So today's appointment was much like the others - not worth going to. I was dilated to "almost a 2" and the baby was still "pretty high" so I am apparently going to stay pregnant forever. No - that is not true. He said that if the baby had not come by next week we would make a plan to "make it happen" on the Monday or Tuesday before Thanksgiving. I didn't know whether to laugh or to cry.
I didn't make an appointment for next week. I wasn't kidding about not going back. I guess that if by mid-week next week, I am still in this state, I will call and make the appointment. Just so we can get to that "make it happen" point.
I am - for the first time really - feeling like I am going to lose it. I came home and cried. I really don't know why. I can't explain the emotions of today but I am tired. That is probably the biggest part of it. I am tired of feeling like a whale. Tired of being asked, "Are you still here?" Tired to having to pee all the time. And I am frustrated. I have never felt so indecisive in all my life. I am trying to decide if tomorrow is going to be my last day at work. I have to tell them tomorrow and I just can't decide. If I have to sit here for a week, I will go crazy. My days go faster when I am doing something and school is definitely something. But not going back would mean getting to rest and make sure everything got done around here. And it would be easier on the school and the sub to have a plan that is more concrete. On top of that, we don't have a name picked out and haven't discussed it in a couple of weeks. So we aren't on the fast track to getting that decided either. And I HATE it. I know people think that we are being silly or not trying but really that isn't the case. I think we are just at an impasse and neither one of us is much of a negotiator at this point.
Enough of all that. At some point in near future, I am going to have the one thing I have longed for over the last 4 years. We are going to have our baby and he/she is going to be precious. Hopefully I can focus on that.
2 comments:
My first thought is to just take the time off. You KNOW it has an end date, one way or the other. Enjoy being by yourself and just focus on relaxing and such - it's the last chance you'll have to be alone for awhile. And you can walk and eat lots of spicy food and see what happens. Big hugs to you. I induced at 37.5 wks with H because I was D.O.N.E.
So, tomorrow I will say, "I'm so happy to see you today!" : ) And, I will be. And, in a short amount of time, I will be happy to see Millsy. I'm with Holly up there -- relax! You will not have any time for yourself for years to come! Get a pedicure so your unswollen tootsies are all pretty in the hospital. Go on a lunch date. Take a stinkin' nap!
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