Bittersweet

This time of year is such a mixed bag of emotions for me. We get to celebrate my niece's birthday. It usually marks the beginning of another school year which brings excitement, nervousness, joy, and sadness. But also, there was a time when we thought we would be celebrating another birthday. Our lost baby would be turning two about now. And my heart is saddened by that absence. Last year was harder than this year. I know time will continue to heal that wound. I also know that this year we have the baby to anticipate and look forward to, so that makes things a lot more hopeful. But I just can't imagine never thinking about that child. What would he/she look like by now? What kind of personality would he/she have? Part of this was spurred on last week. I should back up and say that I named that lost baby Riley. Before we learned of the miscarriage, I had brought up that name for a boy. Nathan said it was too unisex (and he is against any name that is unisex). So when we lost the baby, I decided I would call it Riley. We obviously didn't know if it was a boy or a girl (and it would have to have a unisex name). I say all of that to say, last week at the pool there was a little boy who was named Riley. When I heard his mother call to him, I couldn't help but look. He looked to be about two - maybe a little younger. He had dark hair and maybe even dark eyes. Just like I anticipate my child having - just like Daddy. (I thought the same thing about Jillian, too, by the way. Not really true - especially the eyes part.) Anyway, I would have remembered the supposed birthday but that definitely shot it to the forefront of my mind.

Here comes the good news. I read a blog written by a woman who has endured great heartbreak and loss, but she has recently given birth to a healthy baby girl. Her last blog was entitled, "Tears Turn to Joy". It isn't that the tears never existed. It isn't that the pain is erased. It is that even in our grief, we can have joy. And that is exactly what I feel today. Grief for the child I don't have to hold and love on here on their birthday. But joy about the child who is growing and living and tap dancing inside of me (which is due in right at three months).

So take heart, dear ones! Tears will turn to joy! And sometimes you have the tears and the joy together. Doesn't that make the joy that much sweeter?