Unaccepting

Several of you are going to think that I am crazy. If not crazy, maybe a little on the stupid side. I am reading this book, and last night I had a revelation. The person in the book had lost her father suddenly and she had (rightly so) experienced a difficult time. At one point she spoke to this advisor who basically said, "No, you don't have to understand, but at some point you have to accept that this has happened." So here is my revelation - I don't understand why God has laid out this plan for my life. I don't understand why I don't get to have any more babies. And right now, I am not accepting of it either. But at some point I am going to have to accept this plan or things are going to get ugly. Of that I am sure. I am already dealing with some ugliness. I am angry. Angry at God for not giving me what I want. Angry because this doesn't seem like that much to ask when God is God. He should be able to fix this - to take it away. Which leads to the inevitable thought - he absolutely can fix it and is choosing not to. That's where the anger really gets revved up.

So I am now praying that God will help me to accept this. I am praying that God will make what I have enough for me. I am tired of being sad. I am tired of looking at pictures and noticing what is not there. God has graciously given me a beautiful daughter. He has given me the task of taking care of her and loving her and showing her God. And I am going to attempt to do all of that to the best of my ability. And to able to do that to the best of ability, I am going to have let go of the unaccepting attitude and learn to accept this for what it is - my life.

The easy part is recognizing this. The hard part is actually doing it. The holiday season makes it harder on me. I cry everytime I go into a store almost - knowing that I am not buying for 2 kids (or even 3 by now) and seeing pregnant people everywhere (by the way). So if you think about it, pray for me as I try to accept. Pray for me to move forward and embrace the life that has been given to me. To love it. To not wish for something more. To recognize how blessed I am and lucky I am to have what I have. That I will cherish every moment with my beautiful family. Please remember to be patient with me as I am trying to overcome a lifetime of plans and thoughts and three and a half years of focusing on another baby more than anything else.

Thanks for "listening". I hope that it isn't too much of a downer in the midst of this wonderful season. It honestly isn't as to depressing to me as it is hopeful. I can do this. Or at least....I think I can, I think I can, I think I can...........