Backtracking

As I said on Sunday, I will post some (not everything, I promise) of the journaling I did in those weeks when I knew we were going to have a baby but the general public did not. So here goes my first one - which was two weeks after I found out I was pregnant.

March 23, 2010 - 6 weeks, 6 days

The last couple of weeks have been such a roller coaster for me. When I first saw the positive test, I was shocked. I didn't even tell Nathan for 2 days. I waited until our anniversary to tell the news to him. Since then I have felt sick, had back pains, felt sleepy, and experienced burping. And yet the psychological repercussions of miscarriage haunt me - everyday. This past Saturday my back was hurting so bad, I just knew it was over. Then yesterday I felt a little crampy, so I was doubting all over again. I keep telling myself (and it is true) that I don't doubt God's ability to give us this baby. To make this happen. But I do find myself doubting that He actually will.
We've had so much grief and heartbreak and frustration. More than most have any idea about. We have been trying to have a baby for almost four years and have experienced loss. But I am hopeful with this one. But being hopeful is a crazy thing when you are me. I find myself thinking up cool ways to tell people, thinking about vacationing with a pregnant belly, and breaking the news to the people who are planning on traveling to Europe with me. I think about baby names and bedding and maternity clothes, and how many weeks I'll be off from work. Then, without warning, I cut myself off. I can't seem to help myself. I analyze every pain, lack of pain, and everything you could possibly think of. I feel crazy and insane (which Nathan says seems like normal pregnancy stuff).
I am excited. This pregnancy is kicking my butt, physically and emotionally, but I am trying to relish in every symptom, as I know what wonderful, beautiful things can happen because of them.


So that is my first day of journaling. It is longer than the rest because I was just getting started. I will do a couple more. I am not going to do all of them because a few of them are just about things like vomit, and my guess is most of you don't want to know that story...