Struggles

This weekend I had the privilege (and come to find out the divine appointment) of attending a Beth Moore conference via simulcast. Right off the bat she said, "Some of you are questioning, at this very moment, whether God is good." Then today she talked about Christians having a crisis in faith. She said that we tend to default one way or another when we have that crisis. To repress that crisis and keep it to ourselves. Or we rebel. Let me be transparent and tell you that described me - especially the repression part. I have been struggling for a while now with the idea of how can God be good when he allows such "injustice" (at least from my own misguided, warped sense of it). When you see the movie stars who aren't married and don't pretend that the commitment of marriage is even important to them. When they don't even do anything productive - really. And they are getting to have children and then more children. When you hear stories about people of abuse their children - sometimes even to the point of death - it is difficult for me not to question and say, "Why is this fair? How could this make sense to anyone?"

When she talked about the repression aspect, I again knew that I was exactly where I needed to be. I needed to hear that the way I have been feeling is not crazy. I am not alone. Obviously others have been here - and survived it. She said that people who refuse to talk about their crisis aren't being real. Not real with God. Not real with the people around them. I haven't been real - not with anyone. I have been struggling and I haven't shared that with anyone. I haven't reached out to anyone. I haven't sought the godly counsel of others.

The main focus of the weekend was Psalm 37:4 - Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart. This was hard for me. I spent a good portion of last night in tears. Beth spent quite a bit of time talking about our longings. We all know what my longing is. The desire of my heart is to add to our family. And she said something that I knew. I understand the concept but that doesn't necessary mean I like it. What she said was the if the longing is not being taken care of, then either my destiny or the glory of God is at stake. Or maybe I just have wait longer. I admit that I was a little shaken by the thought that this could be my destiny. To be the woman who survived infertility and loss. That obviously is not what I had planned. And yet it could be very real.

I am sorry for the length of the post. I know it is rambly. I just knew that when she talked about not sharing about your crisis of faith that I was going to have to do that. And I am not good at that kind of thing. I'm not the gal that calls people up and says, "Hey, I am struggling with God being good in a world that is so full of crappy stuff." So here is my attempt at getting real. At voicing my struggles and issues with a few of my friends and family.